One of my weaknesses as a leader is my lack of certainty. Oprah knows “one thing for sure” every month in her magazine. I am hard pressed to come up with anything I know for sure, and less so as I get older. I am hoping the process of writing this blog will help me sort out my thoughts. I will be as honest as I can be.

This morning I read a post by Donald Miller in the Storyline Blog, where he said, “The reality of leadership is this: the world is standing before you, curious, asking where you’d like to take them.”  Leaders are meant to be confident and certain that they are leading to a summit and not into an abyss.

I recently finished the novel The Goldfinch. I found it profoundly disturbing. It is hard to find a quote from the 771 page novel that neatly sums up Theo Decker’s nihilism. So many things in life go badly and he himself is self-medicating with pills. While I do not make as many bad choices as this fictional character does, I can relate to the pull of the whirlpool and the desire to just let go. Stop trying to make sense of it all. Stop trying to identify a mountaintop to summit.

Miller would say this disqualifies me for leadership. I do not disagree. At the same time, how many people who are confidently asking people to follow have a flippin clue where they really are or where they are really headed?

A part of me wants to put my faith in God’s purpose and another part of me is full of doubt. My ambivalence has muddled my leadership.

I just finished listening to Rob Bell’s RobCast interview of author Elizabeth Gilbert. She talked about her vow to herself made at 16 to be a writer. This resonated with me. I know in my knower I need to prioritize my writing and contemplation, including leadership.

I have been struggling with finding a meaningful life purpose since my kids are grown and my mid-life redesign is more or less complete. I got an inkling of the path forward when I was inspired to start this blog. I look forward to continuing on this path and see where it leads.